She's home


Jess is home from 18 months of Lithuania and I missed her more than I can say.

 Others have told me that the time flew by, but I have to disagree. It was the longest 18 months of my life, the longest I could probably bear to be away from someone I love so much. She returned with an even bigger heart if that is possible, and such passion for a people I never thought much about before she went there.

I spoke about our last goodbye here, and the pain of saying goodbye here. I still mean those things, but I think we've both grown in 18 months. I learned how to love from afar and swallow the endless lumps in my throat and she learned how to give. Both were necessary I guess.

Someone asked me if she is a different person, but I told them instead that she is new. It's pretty amazing that life sometimes offers us the chance to be reborn, and it is even more amazing that people like her are brave enough to take it.

Love you Sese.

ramblings

People already know by now that Kevin finished his first year of medical school. We took a walk in Glendale a few weeks ago, right before finals and I realized in that moment how much I've grown to love that place. It was scary leaving my home and my friends and my life in Utah, but I've since realized that you can build all of that again. Only instead of having one life, you now have two, and I don't know where I would begin to choose which life I prefer. They are both right for me, in that I am myself in both of them, but I am different parts of myself.

 I told Kevin for the first time on that walk that I'm so happy that we have three years left there because I can't imagine leaving that sunny place yet. He laughed, and reminded me how hesitant I was to leave. We talked about how we were told that this experience would be the hardest ever, and test our marriage and our patience. We  both admitted that we kept waiting - all year for it to get hard. Of course there were some bad days, and I know that we have some rough years ahead but at least we had this first year to realize that life isn't as bad as some people make it out to be. 

 We're in Utah now for a few weeks. Jessica is getting home on Friday from 18 months in Lithuania and my other sisters are coming shortly after and I'll finally have everyone I love most in one place. Kevin has time to spend with me again, and it's been fun to rediscover what he does and how he acts when he has free time. He's planning a trip to Italy and France for us this August and his excitement is tangible and contagious. I get to talk to my mom every day after work and eat her meals, and watch my brother play basketball with my dad rooting him on. I brush my eleven year old sister's hair after her showers, and listen to her tell me about her friends and their fifth grade drama. 

 I guess what I'm trying to say with all of this rambling, is that I am just really happy with this time in my life. And all of this gratitude seems like the best way to express it.  

publisher?



So I kind of stopped posting around here because most of my time has been focused on my book. A book. I wrote one. It's still hard for me to wrap my mind around that.

 It's taken the better part of two years and it has been the hardest, most terrifying, and most rewarding thing I have ever done. I'm so proud of it, and I love the story and I want other people to read it and love it too.

 But I have no idea what to do next. So much time has been spent on the writing part, that I haven't even considered what would happen once it is done. I've done research on agents and query letters etc. since I finished but I still feel so lost. 

 Does anyone have any advice for me? Connections? Suggestions?  It's so scary thinking that something you love so much could be turned down repeatedly but I love it enough that I think I'm brave enough to try.

 Thanks. Love you guys.

Vegas



Two weeks I went to Vegas for the weekend with friends. We've planning the trip forever. With two of us in Phoenix (me and Liz) and most of our friends still in Utah, Vegas was the perfect halfway point. Only three of us could make it this time, but hopefully next trip the others can join in!

 Stacey and Tia are seriously the best.We agreed on our itinerary the whole time, doing a lot of pool lounging, shopping, and eating. We shared a $12 ($12!!?) shake at Serendipity and then later met my dad at the Bellagio. He had clients in town for a conference and texted me later, saying that our shake was a bargain compared to the $300 he had to throw down for their 8 drinks.

 There's nothing like being with your old friends. The same girls I had sleepovers with at age 11 I'm still having sleepovers with and I love it. Highlights include listening to Stacey Facetime her dog Oakley (hilarious), Tia's "voice", H & M at Caesar's Palace, them trying to get tan at the pool while I did everything I could to cover up, pedicures at a creepy place (mine chipped 2 seconds later, awesome) and trying to sleep in the same bed as Tia while she texted all night. Oh - and this gem of a picture. The poor old lady struggled so bad to take it that when she asked if it looked alright I just said, "Yeah! Perfect!" Lesson learned.


Until next time Vegas. 

 P.s. thank you so much for your kind comments and texts and calls following the post about my accident. I don't know how I got so lucky to have such good friends but I do. It means more than you know.

Cyclical Existence

Three weeks ago I got in a car accident. I was completely stationary on the freeway, getting on to another ramp that was backed up. Someone hit me from behind. Police estimate he was going 60 mph. 

I haven't really known how to share it - or really anything since then. It's still difficult for me to talk about it. I went to the hospital by ambulance and, after several tests and x-rays I was sent home. It really was a miracle. I spent almost a week in bed. People asked what it felt like and all I could say was, "It felt like someone ran over me with their car." Because that's kind of what happened. I was more bruised and swollen and hurt than I had ever been because of a stranger's mistake.

But there were kind people who helped. The woman who came to my door right after I was hit. I had just regained consciousness and I thought I was dying - to be more specific, I thought I was suffocating to death. The impact along with the airbags and my unconsciousness made me hyperventilate. I thought I would die alone on the side of the freeway until she came to me. She reassured me. She called my dad, his was the only number I could remember. I don't even know her name, but I will love her forever. The paramedic in the ambulance with me told me jokes and called my husband. He told the doctors that awaited my arrival in the hospital that I was a "Cool patient," and came back later to check on me after bringing in another a few hours later. The nurse who took care of me was named Jessica. I cried, out of pain but mostly fear and told her that is my sister's name. She responded with, "It's a good name," gripping my hand. 

Our friend Chris brought Kev to the hospital and waited with us all night, dropping everything else he may have needed to do. Kevin took time off school to help me with basic needs like sitting up in bed, and monitoring my medications. My parents came to take care of me, so that he could return to his studies. Over the following days and weeks I have received meals, visits, flowers, cards, prayers from so many people. I feel like I don't have the grace to sincerely thank everyone who made this traumatic experience bearable.

My heart has been broken by the tragedies this past week in Boston and Texas. I share this personal experience not to receive more support, but to reaffirm that people are good. It is easy to get cynical about the world we live in, but I know that there is still more good than there is bad. For the most part, we are a kind people. Even as strangers, we lend a hand to those who are suffering. We may not be perfect in our dealings with one another, and occasionally we make mistakes but those faults do not diminish our humanity.

There is still suffering left to be had. But if I have learned anything from this experience, it is that God is watching over us and that we have got to do His work by helping each other. We never know the burden another is bearing, or the pain of loss they might experience. Sometimes we are the ones that need service but more often we are the ones who must give it. That is the beautiful, cyclical nature of this existence of ours. And more than ever, I am grateful to be a part of it.

choice


Sometimes I wake up in this place from the heat that is already filling my world, mid-March. I wonder how I got here and then I roll over or more often am woken by the soft hum of the man who sleeps next to me, his face in mine. "Right," I think. "You brought me here." He is a choice I make every day, every moment I am alive. He tells me every day that he is living his dream, and hopes I am living mine, too. It's a beautiful symmetry we share - my preciseness with decisions, and his eager willingness to support them, whatever they are.

We all could have lived a hundred different lives with different people, outcomes, worlds. But this is the world I chose, given free reign to do so and somehow that makes this existence of mine the best thing I have ever done. 

2 weeks

I just got back from two weeks in Utah. I flew out for a work photo shoot the first week, and since Kevin's spring break was the next, he joined me for the second week and we drove home together. It was strange being gone so long. Arizona really does feel like home now, even though I grew up in Utah. We love it here, but it's still nice being able to eat my mom's meals and play cards by the fire with my fam once in awhile. Here are a few photos of the trip - again, Instagram is all I use anymore. I wish I were better at using my real camera.

Julie and I at Slab pizza. She is the best bonus to marrying Kev ever. P.s. if you considered going to Slab, get the Chicken Bacon Ranch. Trust me.


 Lunch with Ash and Brittany at the Black Sheep Cafe. I love being able to talk to people who get me. Ashley sent me this quote a few months ago, and I think about it a lot. She was right when she told me that we are people like this. Brittany too. It's so strange that we all went to the same high school and years later are better friends than we were back then.

 "This is why it hurts the way it hurts. You have too many words in your head. There are too many ways to describe the way you feel. You will never have the luxury of a dull ache. You must suffer through the intricacy of feeling too much."
                      - Iain Thomas 


Meeting Katie's beautiful babe Vivian and seeing Tia and Heather too, was a highlight of my trip. I love that we can cry and talk and laugh even months after not seeing each other. We pick up right where we left off. It's a pretty amazing thing I am just realizing.


 Book club at Communal I squeezed in right before we left. Brittany summed this experience up best here. I can't believe what book club has become. I started it a year ago (remember this post?) and even though I have since moved, they still meet and I think we can all agree it is good for our souls. For those who couldn't make it this week, I missed seeing you! (I'm looking at you Hillary and Emma!) 


Not pictured: Dinner at Tia and Dan's cute apartment, hours of book strategizing with my brilliant Dad, a birthday party for my mom complete with flowers, balloons and Canasta, date night with Kev finally! (we saw Warm Bodies and I liked it), watching Fight Club with my dad, long hours at the office, and breakfast with Kev's mom and siblings followed by middle-of-the-day mafia. 

Thanks for having me Utah.

V-day



"There could be 100 million girls and without hesitation, I would choose you every time."  
                                                                                       - Kevin to me this morning

Valentines Day also happens to be our half-year anniversary. 2.5 years with this hunk and I couldn't be happier.

past valentines posts here, here, here. 

recent reads

I have been reading a lot lately. Here are some of my  recent reads. (Also an audiobook)

 Committed - Elizabeth Gilbert

“You can measure the happiness of a marriage by the number of scars that each partner carries on their tongues, earned from years of biting back angry words.”

 Gilbert did it again. I loved Eat Pray Love, so I was excited to see she wrote another book continuing her love story. Only this one was realistic. And more research based and so different yet so good. If you are married, engaged, hoping to get married someday, please read it. I think it's great that she admits that you can have your problems and still love each other more than anything. One note though - it's heavily researched meaning there are a lot of studies and expert advice thrown in. I love that kind of thing (blame it on my podcast addiction) but some people might find it boring. Also, she's very liberal about same-sex marriage, so if that kind of thing offends you maybe skip this one.

 State of Wonder - Ann Patchett


“She understood in life that a person was only allowed one trip down to hell.” 

 I'll confess before I rave, that it took me awhile to get into this. I started it in Lake Powell last summer and the first ten pages didn't catch my interest so I put it down. It was just sitting there and my sister Lacey loved it so I packed it in my bag and took it to Peru. Okay wow. WOW. This book is a must-read. I don't even know where to start. It felt so real to me, probably because I read it while I was also in the Amazon and kept thinking, "Yes, yes, yes." The jungle really is that crazy. It was obvious she went there and was writing from experience. The storyline is incredible - so well done and so engaging. I wish I could read it again for the first time and now I want to read everything Ann Patchett has written. (By the way, my sister lives in Nashville close to Ann Patchett's bookstore Parnassus Books and my sister and I have plans to stalk her.) 

 Fairest - Gail Carson Levine


“I was born singing. Most babies cry, I sang an aria.” 

 I think we all read Ella Enchanted and fell in love. I hoped to feel the same way with Fairest. I mean, it was a New York Times Bestseller and Gail Carson Levine wrote it. The story line was cute, and pretty original but I really wasn't captivated like I thought I might be. Also, I think Ella Enchanted is a great read for all ages - even adults, but this one was a little below my level and that's coming from a girl who loves YAF. If you love fairytales maybe give it a try, but otherwise this one was a miss for me. 

 The Year of Magical Thinking - Joan Didion


“We are imperfect mortal beings, aware of that mortality even as we push it away, failed by our very complication, so wired that when we mourn our losses we also mourn, for better or for worse, ourselves. as we were. as we are no longer. as we will one day not be at all.” 

 I bought this book after seeing The Conversation when Gwyneth Paltrow mentions reading it. Pathetic, I know. I thought it was honest from the first page. Not engaging, not thrilling but honest. Didion describes her grief in such a real way. She doesn't make it this elaborate thing that "celebrates our humanity". She exposes grief. She mourns through her writing and it is painful to read but also so beautiful. Anyone who is suffering from the loss of a loved one could benefit from it but I think also anyone who likes to read would enjoy it. It is hard at times to read about the loss of her husband. It made me think hard about what I would do if I lost Kevin - how I would mourn, what things I would miss. 

 World War Z - Max Brooks


“The monsters that rose from the dead, they are nothing compared to the ones we carry in our hearts” 

 So yeah I listened to this on audiobook and yeah it is about zombies. I was sort of avoiding that theme, associating it with werewolves and vampires but this book is none of those. It's also not YAF at all. A very adult-male kind of book, although I liked it. My sister Melissa recommended it and it made for the perfect drive-to-Arizona audiobook. I thought audio was cool, because it is told from a lot of different points of view and they have different narrators for each one. The stories all told different aspects of the war and it became so real to me that I couldn't sleep that night for fear of zombies. It was awesome, and engaging and I was so sad when it ended. Seriously one of the most original stories I've read. Just a warning though - it is pretty violent and there is some bad language.
Obviously this is a random scattering of my recent reads but I just listed the ones I thought of first. What should I read next? I have my eye on The Red Tent and Bel Canto after loving State of Wonder. 

on grief


“Be soft. Do not let the world make you hard. Do not let pain make you hate. Do not let the bitterness steal your sweetness. Take pride that even though the rest of the world may disagree, you still believe it to be a beautiful place.”
                                                                        - Kurt Vonnegut 

 There have been so many sad things lately. The Connecticut school shooting that brought the nation to its knees. A good friend of mine lost her baby, just minutes after giving birth. Another had a miscarriage. I have a close friend who lost his job, just weeks before Christmas. I have a family member who is struggling with an illness, and other close friends and relatives struggling with emotional or other physical issues.

It has been difficult for me to embrace the Christmas season this year, and I think all around me I feel this collective sigh - this breath escaping from all of our lips. No matter who or where we are, we experience this disbelief, this grief that is shared. We send flowers, we send well-wishes, we send prayers. But we never really know. We can never know.

I've struggled to feel happy with so much pervasive sadness. I've felt that I didn't deserve happiness - not when so many had deep struggles. In some ways, it felt like I was selfishly betraying them with my own happiness. My birthday was the day of the shooting. I was miserable for most of the day. My heart sunk at the news, then I would remember it was my birthday, then I would punish myself for the grief and pain so many were experiencing. It was a difficult thing, a constant tear at my heart strings.

I don't know what the answer is, because we cannot suffer the grief of others, nor can our efforts wholly alleviate it. We can't fix everything. But I do know this one, simple thing. That we need to allow ourselves to experience joy. Not just because it makes us feel good, but because it is necessary. We were not made for constant depression and anxiety, which is not to say that we should not allow ourselves to experience it. But to dwell on it for too long, and to punish ourselves is futile. There is too much good left. There are too many happy things ahead. 

Day One

I have this app called Day One. It's like a journal - it has a password and everything (yes, my 8 year old inner self loves that part.) It reminds me every day at 9:24 to write something down or type, rather.

 I realize it is a little pathetic that I do this. I mean, I could set a timer to write in my journal, but I feel like you have to document in a way that works for you and for now, this works. Also, it is easy to include pictures.

 Here are a few excerpts from it - nothing too juicy, so don't get excited. Just small things I want to remember, small experiences in my life.

 September 19: I am in Nashville with Lacey and the girls. We played outside and made Halloween cards with the stickers I gave them. Seeing Lacey being a mom makes me want to be one. She's good at it.

September 21: We arrived in Fontana, North Carolina today. My favorite thing was Emmy shrieking for us to come outside at night. She was so excited for us to come out so she could show us the stars.

September 24: We threw a birthday party for Harrison today. He was teething so I'm not sure if he loved it, but we sure love him. 


September 28:
     Kevin: "Sorry I picked medical school.
     Me: "Yup."
     Kevin: "Well? Better luck next life."

October 2: We said goodbye to Brad today. We're pretty proud of him for going on a mission and made sure he knows that. He's so ready to serve the people of Bolivia.


October 29: Tonight I told Kevin I wouldn't let him go to sleep until he wrote me a haiku. Here is what he came up with. Poor sleep-deprived medical student.

"Sleep is a good thing.
I awake, though not by choice.
To sleep in is bliss."

October 31: "When nobody else celebrates you, learn to celebrate yourself. When nobody else compliments you, then compliment yourself. It's not up to other people to keep you encouraged. It is up to you. Encouragement should come from the inside." - Joel Osteen

November 5: Great yoga session tonight with my friend Tish. In the middle of our wind down, the lights are off, and we are focusing on our breathing. We are almost asleep, when the instructor tries to turn off the music and the speakers crackle. My heart jumped out of my chest and the look on Tish's face was priceless. Great way to end the practice. Namaste.

November 11: "It will not be easy. It will never be easy. But the optimist will persist in faith." - A quote from Henry B. Eyring at my church's Regional conference.

November 17: Tonight or should I say this morning? We landed in El Salvador for our layover. It is such a beautiful country from above. I can see how someone would be homesick for this place.



And today, December 8: "There are a million ways to kneel and kiss the ground." - Rumi