I used to be really efficient. Like, I would do the dishes while brushing my teeth efficient. My days started with prayers, a morning workout and a green smoothie all before 8 am when I began my workday and simultaneously balanced multiple projects and still found time to make dinner, write a book, and take on freelance jobs. I even had friends.
These days I'd like to think I am efficient still, but the truth is I've really taken a step back. It seems like every time Claire isn't sleeping, I'm frantically working. Every time I feel like I'm ready to get out the door she needs her diaper changed, or she wakes up, or she's hungry. My days are slower, and more tedious. But they're also slower and more meaningful - and that feels important.
People told me a baby would change my life and I kind of nodded and smiled, like, "Yeah but I am a really capable person and I'm going to have a really good baby."
Ha. Ha. Haha.
These days, my world moves slower. Sometimes it takes me an hour to get Claire to fall asleep and by then my back is aching and my eyes are beginning to shut. Nursing forces me to sit down with her at least every four hours and make her needs more important than mine. My nights are hers. I used to see friends, watch movies with Kev, read, write. Now I rock her with a sliver of light shining through the door and as soon as she's down, I collapse into bed.
My time is not really mine anymore, and that person who accomplished so much feels so far away sometimes. This motherhood thing is the most humbling thing in the world. It's funny and exhausting and the best.